ERMEHGERD IT’S THUNDER THIGHS!!
- August 01, 2017
Thunder thighs. I have heard this godforsaken term more times than I care to recall. “Thunder thighs” means you cannot wear tight skirts, shorts, or tight fitted pants cuz your thighs are FAT. Now before I start telling you exactly what to do if you have “thunder thighs”, let me tell you who else has thunder thighs…Wonder Woman. Do you know what she does? She kicks ass while looking unbelievably hot AT THE SAME TIME. So the next time somebody tells you anything about wearing tight clothes when you have thunder thighs, know that it’s code for “omg you look like wonder woman”, so go ahead and kick some butt.
I’ve had big thighs for as long as I can remember. So did my mom. So does my aunt, my grandma, my best friend…and you know what all of them have in common? They’re awesome. But, unfortunately, despite their awesomeness, they give in to society’s hatred for big thighs. So, they’ve always tried to dress conservatively, hiding their thighs. To be honest, so have I. I have spent precious hours of my life, scouring through articles that teach you “how to create the illusion that you have thin thighs”. I have steered clear of hot pants and mini skirts. All my shorts were loose and at least 12 sizes too big for me and all my dresses were big and flowy. I believed that I was happy in my loose, flowy clothes right up until the minute I laid eyes on this gorgeous as fuck pleather-skirt mini-dress.
This dress gives the “illusion” that I am CUTE AS HELL. It is tight and short and makes me feel like I make at least one judgmental and condescending twit cringe, every time I put it on. Like every other time, I bought this one thinking that I’ll wear it when I go partying….HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. So, it basically just hung in my closet for a good millennium before I had an epiphany. This dress can be worn almost anywhere (maybe not church…maybe you wear something else to church kay??). The t-shirt top makes this dress look casual and fun. So, I decided to show you how versatile a leather skirt can be, with the correct accessories. Two things I kept constant in both looks were my denim jacket and my snakeskin print slip-ons.
Since it is Spring I can actually bust out my awesome denim jacket, without the fear of turning into an icicle. You might think that wearing two such contrasting fabrics (leather and denim), might be just a tad much, but the denim will lend a casual touch to your outfit, and balance the inherent sexiness of leather. That’s what makes it a viable choice of clothing when you’re going out for brunch or shopping or just for coffee with friends (unless you want the unabashed sexiness of leather, in which case you can just drop the denim jacket and don on a leather jacket instead).
One of the looks I decided this dress would go brilliantly with, was “Flower Child”. I mean DUH. It is spring, and last weekend was Coachella weekend, and like every other girl on the planet, I own a flower crown CUZ IT’S SO PRETTTYYYYY. I know a flower crown is a bit over the top and you might feel that everybody’s staring at you but that’s okay. Flower children don’t give a damn if somebody’s staring at them. They love life and have fun and feel pretty…and so should you. Like always, I needed a bag to really complete the look. Nobody over the age of 13 should go anywhere without a bag. Not only are they useful (uh where else will you keep the 2 billion receipts and rubber bands that are of no use to you) but they complete your look. Use them as accessories, just like you would a pair of earrings or a pendant or even your shoes. So, to complete my “homage to Coachella” ensemble, I carried a cute little pink shoulder bag with polka dots. It is small and made of an almost denim-like fabric (thus matching my jacket).
Both the bag and the crown transform the originally “bold” dress into something fun and fresh and girly and add a pop of colour to the whole look.
I switched up my flower child look for something a lot more “Goth Chic”, with just a couple of new accessories. Of course, I had to be careful while going for such a stereotypical look already associated with leather. Goth Chic can very easily turn into Goth Shit if you’re not aware of what accessories you’re pairing with a dress like mine.
I wore an oxidised silver choker and THAT’S IT. You have to realise that dresses like this one, are show stoppers on their own. So you shouldn’t add too much to it, or you’ll just be drowning out the awesomeness of the actual dress. So a dirty-silver choker with spikes is pretty much the most I felt I could wear, without throwing the look completely off balance.
One absolute must, when you’re wearing a dress, is tights. Especially when you live in a country that is basically located in the North Pole, a pair of tights is all that stands between you and hypothermia. But, more importantly, they act as tummy and booty shapers. So, when you wear a pair of tights under your dress, you’re going to look a billion times more fabulous than how you will if you don’t. And and and and and it has your back when you’re too lazy to shave your legs but reeeeally want to wear a dress. So wear tights y’all.
I just realised that I didn’t mention my snakeskin shoes which are so cute, and surprisingly go with pretty much any outfit. I know that with a print that bold, there is a fear of it clashing with the leather aaannddd the denim, but the trick to pulling off something like this print is making sure you go for a neutral colour (buffer). That way, it’ll balance the boldness of the print. So if you were apprehensive about buying something with a print this quirky, just remember to go for a mellow and basic colour and you should be good to go!!!
One final teensy little detail that I did add to my outfit is my phone cover. I don’t know how most people feel about the role their phone plays in completing an outfit, but for me, it is pretty fucking important. I always have my phone in my hand. So, unknowingly, I am making it a part of my look. So, being the micromanaging pain in the butt I am, I had to make sure my phone cover matched the theme of my outfit. It’s little touches like this that elevate a look.
Since I balanced out my look (bold items: dress, choker, flower crown; buffers: denim jacket, shoes, cloth bag), I did get the chance to go for smoky eyes and fluffy brows. I’ll tell you more about the makeup in my next article because I have been writing for at least 85493 hours now and my back is killing me.
Until then. go ahead and try out tight skirts and short shorts and OWN your thunder thighs. Do not be ashamed of them, because every time you wish you had thinner thighs, you hurt Wonder Woman. SO STOP HURTING WONDER WOMAN. Love yourself and wear whatever the fuck you want and shrug off your haters just like I am in that last picture.